Family, you are in for a treat.
There aren't many drive-ins left.
But if you ask this small-town American,
it's the only way to see a movie.
Drive-ins sound stupid.
Besides, we're already watching a movie in the car.
(growling)
What the "H," Daddy?
Teaching you a lesson.
A relatively unprovoked and violent lesson, but a lesson nonetheless.
Great, now I gotta watch it on my phone.
Uh-uh.
Aw, man!
Hmm, sure is getting expensive to take your family to the movies.
Hey, Floyd, two adults, three children
for Out of Business, Closed Forever, Thanks for Your Years of Patronage.
That's not a movie title, Cleveland.
That's real life.
Drive-in's closing.
What?!
But I just had this 3-D windshield installed.
I'll be dead within the month.
Have a great night.
I can't believe this.
What about my memories?
My nostalgia? My Stoolbend?
Oh no, my eyes are welling up!
Cleveland, watch where you're going!
(tires squealing, horn honking)
I can't see through my tears.
We're all gonna die!
(screaming)
(tires squealing)
Hey, it's still early.
Anyone want ice cream?
I do.
(Cleveland sobbing, family screaming)
(funky disco plays)
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown ♪
♪ And I am proud to be ♪
♪ Right back in my hometown ♪
♪ With my new family ♪
♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear ♪
♪ Through good times and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place ♪
♪ Where everyone will know ♪
♪ My happy mustached face ♪
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
-- sync, corrected by elderman -- (chuckles)
The Cleveland Show 2x15 The Blue, the Gray and the Brown Original Air Date on March 6, 2011
Time.
Two hours, 32 minutes.
All right, I am ready for the Civil War reenactment.
I've got my musket, my Confederate hat,
I even got an iPhone Civil War reenactment app.
Tells me all the best bushes on the battlefield to take a leak in.
You got an iPhone?
Someone threw it on the side of the road.
I don't even know why we have a historical reenactment.
This town wants to get rid of all our history.
Give us a big ol' "historectomy."
Geez-o-man, Cleveland,
you want some cheese with that complaining?
Hey, you know, if you're so upset about the, the drive-in,
why, why just, why don't you bring it up
at the next Town Hall meeting?
Yeah, anyone can talk about whatever's buggin' 'em.
I went to one last year and got 'em to put in a speed bump.
(grunts)
He can't protect me from myself.
(squealing)
Ladies and gentlemen, please rise
for Stoolbend's casually profane mayor, Larry Box.
Thank you all for coming.
Wow, I'm pleased to see such a big (bleep) turnout.
The first citizen speaking today is Cleveland Brown.
Mr. Brown, get your (bleep) up here.
Mayor.
The Stoolbend Drive-In.
A Stoolbend landmark, and a symbol of a simpler time.
A time when the man who delivered your package
was not wearing shorts, like a damn child.
But now they want to tear it down.
Well, I happen to like our small town just fine the way it is.
(playing folk-rock melody)
♪ I'm a small-town guy livin' a small-town life ♪
♪ I work a small-town job and pork my small-town wife ♪
♪ The big city and its Internet don't excite me at all ♪
♪ 'Cause when it comes to towns, I'm thinkin' small ♪
(rock band kicks in)
♪ Block parties and bingo, and Friday night football ♪
♪ Main street parade on the Fourth of July ♪
♪ If you ever find yourself here in Stoolbend ♪
♪ We don't lock our doors, so just stop on by ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, the smallest towns have the biggest hearts ♪
♪ Like the smallest minds have the biggest smarts ♪
♪ The smallest toads have the biggest warts ♪
ALL: ♪ Small-ass town ♪
♪ Big-ass hearts ♪
Harmonica solo.
(no harmonica music, band playing accompaniment)
Wrong side.
(blows note)
♪ The smallest towns have the biggest hearts ♪
♪ Like the smallest walls have the biggest marts ♪
♪ The smallest beans cause the biggest farts ♪
ALL: ♪ Small-ass town ♪
♪ Big-ass hearts ♪
I live in a town where everyone's voice can be heard.
Russ the Green-Grocer.
♪ Small-ass town, big-ass hearts ♪
Betty the Bank Teller who sings like
Fred Schneider from the B-52's.
FRED SCHNEIDER: ♪ Small-ass town, big-ass hearts! ♪
Zeke, the town drunk.
♪ Small-ass town, big a-- ♪
Pete, the janitor.
♪ Small-ass... ♪
Not to sing,
just to clean that up.
Sorry. Sorry.
Now everybody!
♪ Small-ass town, big-ass hearts! ♪
(bleep) it, the drive-in stays.
Check it out, boys.
Page three of the "Minor Local Happenings" section.
Ha! "Drive-Ib"?
Oh, man, Jay's gonna love this one.
Headlines, care of Jay Leno,
The Tonight Show, National Broadcasting Company,
3000 West Alameda Avenue, Burbank, California, 91523.
Beg pardon, Mr. Brown.
My name's B. Emerson Plunkett the Fifth.
Okay.
Perhaps you've heard of my great-great-grandfather,
B. Emerson Plunkett the First, founder of Stoolbend.
Maybe. Perhaps. Yeah.
I'm on the board of the Stoolbend Preservation Society,
and we heard about your wonderful work
saving the drive-ib.
Oh, did ya?
We're having a dinner at my home in Stoolbend Estates,
and I was wondering if you might join us.
The Estates?!
Is that the place guarded by a fake cop in a phone booth?
And a plywood gate arm to keep the poor people out.
Uh, yeah, I think I'll be there.
Wonderful.
See you tonight.
Tonight?!
No time to get a new outfit.
Quick, Tim, I need your shirt and tie.
(imitating Tim): Uh, duh, I'm, uh, Tim.
My wife keeps my balls in a honey jar.
That's you.
I can't believe you fell for that "new outfit" bit.
I got clothes.
Dumb bear.
This food is so fancy.
I never had a blue steak before.
It was Smurf meat.
Ooh, la-la!
We're here tonight because another one of Stoolbend's
most sacred landmarks is in danger of being destroyed.
Say it ain't the Teddy Bear Hospital!
No. Our beautiful Founder's Park.
(all gasping)
Seems a group of history haters out there
want to turn it into a parking lot,
desecrating the memory
of my dear great-giggum, B. Emerson the First.
To help us stop them, I've enlisted
our newest preservationist, Mr. Cleveland Brown.
Thank you, everyone.
I shall not rest until everything in this town
has been preservationed.
Glad to have you on board, Cleveland.
Now let's retire to the smoking lounge for cigars, brandy
and a good, old-fashioned elephant walk.
Count me in.
Thanks to you, Cleveland,
we will preserve my family's proud legacy.
Cleveland, thank you so much for joining our effort.
It's going to be so much easier saving Founder's Park
with you as the face of our cause.
Oh, I'm just doing
what any red-blooded Stoolbendipudlian would do.
(engine revving)
(gasps) My great-giggum's statue!
Cleveland, you've got to stop that bulldozer!
Bulldozer.
If you'd asked me when I was three,
I'd have told you I'd be riding a bulldozer every day.
Heh! Life.
Cleveland, you really should...
You never see a red bulldozer.
Or a yellow fire truck.
I beg of you. Yep.
Hey, hold it right there, bulldozerer.
If you want to get rid of this park,
you'll have to take me with it.
(cheering)
And if you think you're going to unlock me,
think again.
Gah. Going down sideways.
Water, please.
Ugh, it's warm.
So you're really going to stay all chained to that (bleep)?
Over my dead-- oh, wait.
Sorry, I wasn't listening.
Yes, I'm going to stay chained as long as it takes.
Okay, fine. I don't give a (bleep).
Why a black guy would want to preserve a statue
of the biggest slave-owning piece of (bleep)
in the Confederacy is a mystery to my ass.
Wait-- slave-owning (bleep)?
Colonel Plunkett was a total (bleep) bag.
Oh, well.
By decree of the mayor of Stoolbend,
the park stays the (bleep) here.
(cheering) Hold on.
Emerson, did you know about this?
Hush, Cleveland.
And now, let us sing the town song.
♪ Oh, Stoolbend, my Stoolbend ♪
♪ Whiter than whipped cream... ♪
Whiter than what now?
♪ We proudly vow to never ♪
♪ Have a good basketball team... ♪
Those are the words?!
♪ Your white light shines brightly ♪
♪ All blackness it shoos... ♪
Oh, my God!
♪ And don't even get us started ♪
(harmonizing): ♪ On taco munchers and Jews. ♪
Whoa!
Let's hear it for Cleveland Brown,
who has served his purpose!
(cheering and applause)
I've been used.
Like that condom on the ground over there.
Or that one over there.
This park is nasty.
Somebody should bulldoze this place.
Open the door, Plunkett!
Open up!
Should we have brought something?
No, you're here to yell at him!
Still.
Oh, hello, Cleveland.
You used me!
I'm sorry, I really can't talk.
I'm preparing for tomorrow's reenactment
of the Battle of Stoolbend.
Of course you'd enjoy that,
reenacting a Civil War battle the South won.
The South won the Battle of Stoolbend?
There was a Battle of Stoolbend?!
Yes, it was one of the Confederacy's proudest moments,
and I have the honor of portraying its hero,
my great-great-grandfather.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to go make love to my mistress,
who is dressed as my great-giggum's mistress.
She's got a lot of garments on.
They're going to take a while to remove,
so I must get to it.
Aah! What's going on here?
I can't believe my small Southern town
has a dark history of racial injustice.
Man, I hate stupid, dumb, stinky old Stoolbend!
Cleveland, I know that's not true.
You love this town.
You sang that whole cracker-ass song about it.
I did, didn't I?
And if you love this town, you won't let people
like that fool keep its racist past alive.
You need to make an example out of him.
Hit him where it hurts.
Ruin the thing he's most excited about.
You're right, Donna! His mistress!
Thanks for the free pass!
No, Cleveland. He just told you.
The Battle of Stoolbend reenactment!
You're right again!
I've got to win that battle for my Stoolbend!
That's what I'm talking about!
This is my town!
Uh-huh!
And when I'm done with him, I shall have his mistress!
I shall have his mistress's mistress!
I shall have Tim's mist...
(clears throat)
There will be no mistresses.
No mistresses!
And so, when in the course of human events,
one wants to take down a wealthy racist
who tricked one into helping him,
one has to go to that reenactment tomorrow
and win the battle for the North!
To show him that this is our Stoolbend now!
Who's with me? Tim?
Yes, sir! Holt?
O, Captain, My Captain! Dead Poets.
Terry? Damn skippy!
And... you?
I'm in. I'm Aaron from work, by the way.
Aaron! I know who you are, Aaron.
Lester, I know you're planning on fighting for the South.
Would you consider switching sides?
Cleveland, I went to Robert E. Lee Elementary,
Robert E. Lee Middle, Robert E. Lee High,
back to Robert E. Lee Middle for a year,
then I just stopped going.
Anyway, no.
Then I'll see you on the battlefield.
Now, the rest of you get some sleep.
For tomorrow...
the North shall rise again!
ALL: Yeah!
And we get to shoot fake guns!
ALL: Yeah!
With blanks in them
like the ones that killed Brandon Lee!
ALL: Oh.
NARRATOR: Braving the low 50s Virginia winter,
and nursing a slight hangover,
Cleveland Brown set out to win
the Battle of Stoolbend reenactment for the North.
CLEVELAND: "Dear Donna, I go to battle today,
"and lest I should not be able to call or text,
"I feel I must needs write to you.
"Oh, Donna my love,
"how I miss the warmth of your arms,
"the taste of your lips,
"the caress of your soft hand on my under-satchel.
Yours eternally, Cleveland."
TIM: "Dearest Arianna, I fear I may not make it home.
"Uh, in time for, uh, So You Think You Can Dance.
Please make sure, uh, the TiVo does not delete it."
HOLT: "Dear Penthouse Forum,
"never thought these stories were actually true till today.
"Dressed up like a Civil War guy.
Nailed a chick with pinkeye in a Taco Bell bathroom."
(rifles and cannon thundering in distance)
(drum playing, rifles firing)
(grunting)
Attack their right flank!
(grunting)
There are a lot more bad guys than I expected.
How are we supposed to fake win this fake battle?
Who cares?
Let's just tell everyone we won.
No. We have to fight.
Oh, if there was only some way to know what was about to happen
in this reenactment of an actual historic event.
♪ Hello! ♪
Okay. Boring.
All right. Boring.
Useful. Boring.
Word I don't know. I'll skip it.
Afraid to say it out loud for fear of being judged.
Oh, all right.
"Ba-yonnits"?
No? Okay, we got what we need to know.
Let's go!
TIM: Bayonets.
The Confederate battalion is approaching.
No time to dilly-dally.
Over that ridge, you scalawags!
Charge! CLEVELAND: Wait.
No! No charge!
We've got the entire play-by-play
of the Battle of Stoolbend right here.
If we go over that ridge, it's a massacre!
No doy. We all know what happens.
This is a reenactment.
Now just stick to the script.
And that's an order, Lieutenant!
Ooh!
You shot me!
I'm mortally wounded!
But you can't.
That's not what happened!
Well, in the words of Raj, it's what's happening now.
Now the rest of you, let's make history our bitch!
Any of you losers want to win for a change?
Will we still be done by 4:30?
Probably even sooner, 'cause we're just gonna sneak up
on everybody and kill them.
Okay. Sure.
But I seriously need to be done by 4:30.
Hi, guys.
Hey. That wasn't the way we...
The rules, Jeff.
If you get shot, you have to die.
Yeah, do the rules say anything about wearing Tevas?
But we're going to the lake after this.
(groaning) (groaning)
Yes! Hot damn!
(Holt laughs)
Die, Daddy! Die, Daddy!
(crying): Die, Daddy! Die, Daddy!
(sobbing) Die, Daddy!
Oh, God, Daddy.
Uh, good-good job, Holt.
Not, uh... not-not creeping me out at all.
(neighing)
(panting)
(neighing loudly)
Dial it back, buddy.
You already got the part.
I think we got them all, Cleveland.
(gunshot)
Not quite.
Oh, crap.
Okay, here we go.
I heard five pretend bullets come out of that gun.
You've got one bullet left.
I only need one.
Damn! I missed! Terrible shot.
No reason I should have missed you, but I did.
(laughs)
You should have known you can't change history.
LESTER (slow-motion, distorted): No...!
Lester! You took a pretend bullet for me!
But why?
Turns out a lot of the Confederates here are
a bunch of rich dipsticks.
I realized I got more in common
with poor people like you.
Comfortably middle class, but, yeah.
Yes, the blood I'm not sheddin' is in
the name of loyalty and friendship,
which are more important to me
than any fake war!
Okay, you can take my head out of your lap now.
Touching.
Now die, Yankee!
Gotcha.
No! Uh, you only got me in the arm!
Maybe so, but considering the medical care of the time,
you would have had it amputated with non-sterile equipment
and later died from a bacterial infection.
You're right.
You win.
Hear ye! Hear ye!
I hereby declare victory in the Battle of Stoolbend...
for the North!
ALL: Hooray!
NARRATOR: The forces of tolerance won a noble victory that day
on the fields of Stoolbend.
There was much revelry and many flagons of the finest pale ale,
as the victorious Union army toasted
their triumphant rewriting of history.
Things briefly got weird between Tim and Holt,
but they're cool now.
And after all the bars had stopped serving,
they realized the war was not yet won.
So with the aid of Donna's car,
they once and for all dismantled the statue
of B. Emerson Plunkett.
Then they got fined by the city and had to put it back up,
where it still stands proudly today.
It is the South, after all.
-- sync, corrected by elderman --